Wednesday, January 05, 2005

When Harry Met Sheba

We’ve heard of a relatively new phenomenon 'friends with benefits' (definition: friends who enjoy a little sexual favours every now and then), and some of us have even taken part in a few of those (& no i'm not picking on anyone today). Now the question is, can a heterosexual guy and a girl be friends (with no benefits)?

I think yes ONLY if neither of them is attracted to each other. If either one fancies the other then I think it’s a perfect recipe for continuous nagging (7anna) based on exaggerated reactions and eventually a fall out: If he doesn’t call back within 2 seconds then he’s a SOB and he’s not always there for her, if she has call waiting, then its ‘who are you talking to this time of night’, etc..

The next question is, if a guy a girl are emotionally close to each other, wouldn’t attraction come naturally from at least one end?

Q1. when there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry.period.
Q2. yes!
I don't know if I would call "friends with benefits" a new phenomenon. Maybe the term is, but the concept is hardly a new thing.

==The next question is, if a guy a girl are emotionally close to each other, wouldn’t attraction come naturally from at least one end?==

Definitely. It's biological on a chemical level... :)
It's very difficult I think for friends of the opposite sex to be good friends only without some feeling of possessiveness or attraction coming in the way at one point or another. But that does not mean that they cannot continue being friends once they get over the initial "attraction" stage.

And the worst part is when it is one person feeling all hot & bothered & possessive. It just burns the relationship.
i'm wondering, is your nick SHAIBA as in "white hair" or "Balqees, the queen of SHEBA"?
Your answer to Q1 negates your answer to Q2, cuz even if there isn’t chemistry, the closeness will eventually grow an attraction. Re. my name, it is Sheba as in Queen Sheba (I love her story very romantic, and her character, strong in a sexy way).

Muslim Artist,
Friends with Benefits is relatively new simply because inter-sexual friendships were quiet limited in the old days. And things were more black and white before.

Hehe I liked ‘It's biological on a chemical level’

How do they get over the initial ‘attraction’ stage?
Hey Sheba,

Interesting point, however I don't believe such relations were so much as limited as they were kept secret.

These days, so many of the behaviours that were kept hidden are now out in the open, which may give off the appearance of being a recent phenomena.
Q1- yes they can be friends,,, also you have to keep in mind that sex between friend is the best.
Q2-yes it should.
the playfulness between friends that attracted to each other is the best,, i suggest you should try it and make it a habit.
lol mosan

and sex between husband and wife is better than the best... ;-)
Q2 is the outcome of Q1. They are friends “only” with no attraction involved. But if this friendship evolves to the extent of growing emotional connection, then one or both sides would feel some attraction.
Doesn’t this raise another issue? Whom would you choose to marry? A. a person you’re attracted to? B. or a dear friend whom you feel emotionally connected to?
Muslim Artist
Yes perhaps.

So why call it a friendship? I like things more black & white. Flirting is FUN but I don’t like relationships or flings disguised as friendships. Flings are sexier-- both know what its all about and no hidden agendas, plus you don’t have to call or worry about a call the next day. Plus, you don’t have to worry about her/his feelings when you decide that you don’t want any benefits ;)

I would want to be with someone who is my friend, and I connect with, and I’m attracted to 
Madri Sheba,
Tough questions. 'friends with benefits' sounds like a slippery slope.

A little flirting and cuddling wouldn't hurt.. nothing wrong with being a tease (not in my book anyway). But if you want the friendship to last, I'd say you better keep it 'sexless'.

I haven't met anyone mature enough to handle that kind of business.... yet!
Hi...I read your post with interest.

I have written about this in the past.Society constantly attempts to seperate us...that when we do meet (at work, university etc)...the perception is that someone is making a move.

That bieng said, I must say that many of my co-workers are women..and we have great conversations. It is also true that I can count on them to back me up at work. They feel the same way about me. I don't think we are more than good friends. So I do think its possible.
Dear Sheba,
Your question is most interseting since it was asked of Socrates (ancient greek philosopher to answer). He was asked how to tell the difference between a non-lover and a lover (even if they pretended not to be in love).

I will not bore you with the long details of the answer. But socrates first defined the question "as love bieng desire". As I can tell from your question..that seems to be what you refering to..and not simple admiration.

"The one ruled by desire
and enslaved by pleasure
is bound to make the beloved
as pleasing to himself as possible.
To the neurotic everything is pleasant
which is not resistant,
but the superior and equal are offensive.
So the lover will not put up with a beloved
who is superior or equal
and will always try
to make one weaker and inferior;"

He then answers your question specifically:

"So he must be jealous,
and he will keep his beloved away from others
who would be beneficial,
would develop courage,
and especially from the prudent
and divine philosophy,
thus causing the beloved great harm
by keeping that one ignorant of everything
and completely dependent on him.
So in relation to the mind,
the one in love is neither
an advantageous guardian nor partner."

And their lies the answer....He is not a good friend.
You're right, it must require maturity and the ability to detach when needed.

Misguided- welcome to plushness :)
On your colleagues, these are colleagues and it seems that you do not share with them a close friendship (i.e. sharing thoughts, feelings, frustrations, personal issues, etc..) although they are good enough to be good work pals-- and perhaps this is why you are able to maintain a distance & things do not get mixed up

Moreover, I loved your bit from Socrates.. It says more than friends, he is saying that lovers are selfish in their need to disconnect their loved ones from anything they can thrive upon for superiority. So even in love he maintains his belief that we either the blind or the enlightened (or was that Aristotle?)

Thank you for evoking in me the need to go back to my big text books, hope to see you again here.
Dear Sheba,

Your blog feels like one big pink cloud. I love it. Very comforting I must say.

I am glad you liked the quote. Your question relates to male/female friendship. In the same dialogue Socrates speaks at length about the difference between a friend and lover. The desire...if he is physically attracted to you..then kiss your friendship goodbye..on the other hand if he is not..then you can still be a friend.

The second point is Can you be with someone and just have sex and not be emotionally attached?
I don't need to go back in history to give you the answer to that question.
There is a Sienfeld episode where Jerry tries that with Elaine......IT DOESN"T WORK.

But hey....Who am i to say...I am soo Misguided...
I was just reading everything i wrote here & on other blogs thursday morning & i was confused with my bad writing... Bad idea to blog and hold a meeting simultaneously :p

Misguided: I'm glad you find comfort her (7ayak Allah kilyom). Its amazing how they had our same issues 2400 years ago.
If either one fancies the other then I think it’s a perfect recipe for continuous nagging (7anna) based on exaggerated reactions and eventually a fall out: If he doesn’t call back within 2 seconds then he’s a SOB and he’s not always there for her.. Sheba, just when I finally felt the nightmare was long buried... you reminded me of it again!!
These arrangements are very fashionable, so you're basically a trend setter ;)
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