Friday, April 22, 2005


Sometimes we say the stupidest and most hurtful things to cover up our fears. We become persistent or insistent on an issue (right or wrong) as if it was a life or death situation, and we do not feel how stupid we sound. Of course later, when you have calmed down and your vision is clear, you understand your own motives. You were insisting on something that is layers & layers deeper than the original argument.


He: I don't think that is good value for money.
Me: I've always wanted that, its beautiful, and it’s the best buy.
He: You're wasting your money.
Me: It’s an investment.
He: You can buy the same thing from Asia for 1/10 of the price.
Me: Yes, but i would HAVE to go to Asia.
He: It’s identical to the one you bought last year.
Me: Yes, but this one has a nicer shape.

(Okay, this is a bad example, but you get the drift). Sometimes people argue about something that is really NOT what the argument is about.

‘He’ is worried that she am 'not careful' in her spending and is worried how he would maintain her sporadic spending.

‘Me’ is worried that he wants to control me, and that he is cheap.

So are such arguments euphemisms of the larger picture? Are we shy to say what really is our fear? Most likely, yes. He is worried that he sounds cheap and controlling, and she fears that she would give in to him, and it would set a precedent where by he will be able to exercise control on all matters.

Why do we use this disguise to our true feelings? Are we afraid to lose ourselves? Do we fear that once the real issues are on the table it would mean that the relationship and its issues are more real than we think?

"he's" not trying to control you .. it's just his polite way of telling you he doesn't like what you're buying..
Dear Sheba,

Sometimes in the beginning we fail to understand the other. We may wonder about what is behind what is said. Men usually are blunt. Thats our biggest problem.

I think with time such misunderstandings dissapate. After bieng with someone for a can read what they are saying...before they even thought of saying it. Saves up on alot of arguments.

Yours Sincerely,

I'm creaming :\~
LOL this is a make believe example!

Very true.

Sa7tain ;))
i normally go thru such arguments with my hubby. He just spends his money on whatsoever n when its my time to buy something he'd just bluntly tell me noo its not worth it..Why? I mean why can't i buy anything i want. if he doesn't get used to spending money on me now he'll never then spend anything on me nor his children in the future..
dear sheba,

my husband and i normally go thru the same arguments when it comes to buying stuff. When we go out he can buy whatsoever but when it comes for my turn to buy something i want, he'd just bluntly tell me: "NO, ITS NOT WORTH IT", i mean whyyyyyyy? why can't i buy myself anything i want! I'm just scared that if he doesn't get used to spending on me now he won't b able to spend on his children in the future....give me some advices on this what can i do?
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