Friday, August 26, 2005

Why Don't We..

Why don't more Kuwaities adopt children? I feel very ashamed with our record or lack of it when compared to countries like the USA where it can take years to adopt a child.

this girl zaina sultan adopted a girl last month found abandoned at a mosque, these kuwaitis exists
Actually Sheba, there are quite a few Kuwaiti families who have and do adopt children, but they just don't advertise or discuss it publicly (due to the nature of our culture and society). I do not think we Kuwaitis adopt any more or less than other families in the US or elsewhere. I think a better question is: why don't more good people adopt more children, and give them healthy and loving homes?

Also, unfortunately the sad reality is that in some families cases, it is a blessing that they do not/can not adopt :(

I think the answer to the "why don't we adopt more" question is one easier said than done...

Masha'Allah 3elaiha this is really touching. May God bless her, Allah ijazeeha khair & yefta7 3elaiha dinya & akhra & may she be a role model to all of us.

Those families who would consider adoption are most likely those who you would not want to raise children at all.
I'd love to adopt a child, esp. from Romania/Russia..the have a high rate of orphans and it;s heartbreaking.
But our culture/society doesnt exactly smile on the idea of adoption...

I remember when we first moved to our new house, our neighbors (who were very nice)told us that they were planning on adopting a child... The wife was embaressed to say but very proud of herself for wanting to adopt. A few months later they got 3abdallah, very cute!:).... and a couple of years later we noticed that he was playing with a little girl, who was even cuter! It turns out that His parents adopted a girl as well and you should see how cute they are playing together.. you know how in the past kids always used to look nice and clean and shiney?! Those two kids looked like that mashallah... It's nice to see that there are good people in the world helping others out.. these kids are lucky.. allah ekhaleehum 7eg ba3ath nshallah :)
How many kids will you adopt and when will you do that?
Sheba, I'm glad you brought this up because I'm very curious about adoption in Kuwait.

I always thought if I ever adopted a child, lets say from Indonesia I would obviously enroll her in a private school to get a good education. She would interact with other kuwaiti kids who would all know that she is not kuwaiti and that she is adopted. She would have a difficult time socializing with people and she would be teased/ looked down on. She wouldn't be able to carry my name, so she would have to be given some bogus last name.

If I adpot a child, I wouldn't want to raise her kuwait.
Interesting subject. Some of my family members have temporarily adopted two children during the invasion. I say temporary because they were then found by their parents after the liberation in a while. At that time, the decision is not temporary, because you don't know what will happen, so long term adoption is the only option.

Adoption in general is unfortunately becoming a business. Children traffiking is seriously a major global problem. One of the solutions for such, was to start focusing on local availability of foster children. This limits others in other poor countries to start having children to give them away for $15! May sound not much to you, but $15 is a years supply of food in these countries.
The mere fact of the existence of foster homes is in itself a worry. Not in the sense that they are not needed, but they are needed to solve a problem, which is the existence of foster children. This is an age old problem faced by every society. In poor countries, the lack of contraception and awareness about the financial, and social responsibilties cause those children to be abandoned by their mothers.

We can help solve or atleast control this global pandemic by allocating funds to educate people about such problems.
yeah and see eshkether ohma mo3aqadeen!!!

we dont adopt in the way they do it ... ya3ny we still adopt by paying for the kid and take care of his/her future without taking the kid away from his/her broken family or shelter.
See this is what i don't understand when the issue of 'our society's acceptance' to the issue of adoption is brought up as an excuse to not adopt.

To me its as rediculous as saying 'i want to go to Mecca but i wont because i don't know how society will like that!'

Adoption is giving a homeless, loveless, parentless child a loving, nurturing home. It is something that comes from your heart, and of course in the eyes of our Lord the most GRACIOUS the most MERCIFUL, i do not know what would count for more. If 'aldeen almu3amalah' which translates to good treatment to others IS religion, i do not understand where the social part of adoption came in. And lest we not confuse that the only condition to adoption in Islam is that the child does not take the adopters name and that is so 'ma tekhtele6 il ansab' i.e. so that decent is not confused (so that a brother my not marry his sister unknowingly because he's been given the name of his adopted parents, for example). BUT there are ways where children are given their adopted family's name in school only so that they do not feel different than their siblings in the same school for example or so that they do not get picked on by kids for having an odd surname.

There are plenty of orphans in Kuwait and the Gulf if your only fear is that your adopted child would have different looking eyes! Now c'mon u can do better than that!

I want to adopt 1 child, when i know i can have the time and money to raise him/her.

The description about your neighbors is beautiful! May God bless them. Btw, do they have children of their own?

Yes, of course its long term, adoption is parenthood. And yes there is a problem with children trafficing not just for adoption, but even for prostitution, and OF COURSE we need to be more active in trying to solve these atrocities.

But this post is about Adoption in Kuwait. Would you adopt?

Ma fahamt shay, pls explain.
In high school we used to go to the Kuwait orphanage to play with the really small kids and babies. It was a public service class.
They were mostly the kids of maids who weren't married when giving birth and so had their kid taken away, but there was even a little boy whose father was supposedly Canadian.
One of my teachers wanted to adopt a baby but since she wasn't Kuwaiti she wasn't allowed to.
My boyfriend said that he used to work at a ministry (interior I think) that deals with them, and said they never integrate into Kuwaiti society, even when they are old.
It's really sad.

As for why don't more Kuwaities adopt, wouldn't it be really difficult since the boys would be non-mahram to the mother and the gilrs couldn't be around the father alone? Maybe not, just wondering.
Of course difficulties like this can be overcome, when there's a will there's a way :o)
Thank you for the info, and for your inputs.

1st, I must say its very odd reading mention of a boyfriend and a mahram in the same comment from the same person.

I don't know much about this (whether an adopted son ye7ram 3ala umma wila la) but i will ask and let you know but for now, you can adopt girls if thats the worry :)
Well, I think, whether he is considered “ma7ram” or not, when this kid is raised to think of this woman as his mom and those girls as his sisters, he wouldn’t think of them differently. I am not saying everyone will act this way, but this is not the case here since “some” men look at their biological daughters in a wrong way anyway.

I would love to adopt a baby. It was my dream since I was a little child.
Yes come to think of it that must have been confusing.
I guess I didn't express myself correctly, but what i tried to say was that I've been told Muslims usually don't adopt kids into their homes (but rahter sponsor them without removing them from their country/family) because when they became old enough (balig? I think it's called something like that) it would create a weird situation. I think, however, if the mother breast-fed the adopted child as a baby, then the child will be regarded as her own.
But I'm still just familiarizing myself with Islam, so I don't know for sure. I asked this question many times and this was the answer I got most of the time.
If I can, I will adopt kids. It's just extremely hard to find a man sho would go along with that.
As for my boyfriend, we did muta with him, so I think we're good.

I am intrigued! Muta? Muta is marriage!
I very much second that, we should. Even just sponcering children is a very good thing.
Yes, muta is marriage, but I prefer the wording boyfriend for now, for a long list of reasons.
May you please enlighten me on the rules of muta?
HeY!! Mabrook 3al new look ;)

I've wondered once about adoption in Kuwait.. Most of people say 3shan maytakhala6 el nasil!!
Mmmm this is taking an interesting turn. Who said mut3a is marriage? It is as its meaning "FUN" and that alone. Lets hear it.....
let's us not forget all the stray cats in kuwait that also need adoption
many people do take in orphans and raise them in kuwait.. as for why not give them the same last name its cause its 7aram in our religion.. on the other hand our religion does state that afthal bait muslim ohwa il bait ili yirabi an orphan...
The rules of muta...hmmm...
I'm not sure you are asking me because you don't know or because you want to see if I know.
Well, anyway, here's what I know, even though I think it would be better to find out about this from a credible source.
It is for a certain amount of time only.
It is kind of the same as regular marriage, except for example if the guy dies during the time, the muta wife doesn't inherit anything.
If the woman gets pregnant the man has to give his name to the child. After the time of muta runs out the woman can't have sex with another man until she gets her period twice. (to be sure she's not pregnant)
The woman gets some sort of present, and the present is agreed on at the same time the length of the marriage is decided.
If the woman is a virgin, the permission of her father has to be sought by the guy.
A guy can have infinite number of muta wives at the same time.
I don't remember anything else now...
Adopting a child is not an easy matter and there needs to be a transparency and acceptance within the family's environment.

I have only known two Kuwaiti people who were adopted; and their parents were very worried that the children would "find out"that they were not biological offspring.

This is not the right attitude because being the close-knit society that we are, someone is bound to hear something sooner or later.

On the other hand, I wonder if there is adequate psychological counselling and family support for those families who adopt children? I too think about the possible negative psychological impact.

In Scandinavian countries, namely Sweden, it is quite normal for Swedes to adopt South East Asian children; and no one even bats an eyelash.
Thank you q8sultana for answering my Q. I really do not know about muta, i guess its not something they teach in schools, and if i'm not mistaken its only allowed to be practiced by certain sects of Shiite Muslims.

But indeed this is interesting. So if the wife is pregnant, is she still the wife of the man, even if the contract's time has run out? Is she intitled to alimony?

If the man is allowed infinite wives! <-- still in shock about that.

Now my next question is why have you agreed to muta?
nunn Allah ebarek feech, i took it back to pink, the green wasn't me.

Panda, i always have an adopted cat. Yes, they need homes too, thank you for reminding us.

Thank you the11thmuse, and interesting name :)

equalizer, yes muta or mut3a does mean FUN. I do know the history of muta, but how it was allowed even in the old days and what does 'wa ma malakat aymankum' really mean is unknown to me.

Lady Jewaira,
I doubt we have any (good) child psychologists. But that shouldn't stop us from adopting.
I don't think adoption is common in Kuwait; that's because as luminous said the adopted kid would be teased and so on. Also, another problem in Kuwait the family don't want the adopted child to know he/she are adopted; and this would create a problem when the kid knows later on.
My uncle has adopted a girl a while ago, and she doesn't know that she is adopted; kanaw ga3d e'ajloon mita igolonlaha and surely this will create a problem, especially when tawa my uncle 9ar 3inda walad
all I know about muta marriage is that it's considered prostitution legalization, or it's understood in this sense today since it's always kept a secret and sort of not marriage marriage.

about adopting, my mother's cousin adopted a child 3 years ago and he's an amazing kid, I think there must be rules for you to adopt and for the child to be adopted.

NuNu, khal they adopt a kid min naselhom then :P

I would love to adopt a kid oneday, my friend told me about this adoping a child abroad while you take care of from a distance, as you send a very small amount of money monthly to a certain kid of your choice and get to send them presents for christmas and birthdays and they could write to you and all that.. I am seriously considering it I just can't remember the name of this place.

am looking it up.

I would just like to repeat myself and say: there ARE many Kuwaitis who DO adopt. I feel it is a somewhat unfair characterizaton to make the assumption that they do not. When they do adopt, it is done according to the tenets of the Islamic religion. And believe me, there are many kids who have gone to good Kuwaiti homes.

I just do not feel that making the argument of Kuwaitis not "adopting more" is fair and is an oversimplification, because you can ask the same question of Americans, Brits, Mexicans, or Zimbabweans...etc etc etc.

Make no mistake, I wholeheartedly and completely support adoption, and wish I could adopt and rear a child right at this very moment were it possible. But adoption is a very complex issue. You don't just up and do it with the snap of your fingers. And it certainly doesn't mean you are a person lacking in compassion or generosity if you cannot.

Perhaps you are addressing the issue a bit too idealistically, when the reality is that it is a tremendous process technically, emotionally and legally for anyone anywhere in the world.

Not everyone can be Angelina Jolie, and not every family has the capability - financially or morally to do so. Whatever their nationality.

In an ideal world, no child would be without a loving home or family. It would be truly remarkable if every family could rear a needy child as their own.

Personally? All the children of the world are MY children and I do believe I am responsible for them. I wish more people felt the same way. There are too many preventable horrifying situations that many children are living under around the world.

Again, I reiterate, there are many Kuwaitis who do adopt children quietly, or support them as best as they can with the means available to them. I think this needs to be acknowledged and recognized before any rush to judgement.

Sorry for my impassioned and strong comment :)

To clarify things there is a BIG difference between ADOPTING a child and SPONSERING one. Adoption is all about 100% supporting the child. Giving him the love of a family whereas in sponsering, you are helping him financially to live with his own family.
Your passion is admirable. I compared Kuwaities to Americans, and i am now more aware (after reading all the comments here) that Kuwaities do adopt more than i thought, i also found out that there are those who think its 7aram, or frowned upon socially..

Thank you for that :)
Great post Sheba, and great comments ;)
A very important subject indeed.
Years ago, I visited "Door Alre3aya alijtima3eya" in sulibikhat. The only fostering home for orphans in kuwait.They very much welcomed volunteers. What im gonna say is about 10 years old info, but i think the situation is still the same. Their rule is that You have to be married to be able to adopt a child.
But you can be an "Aunti" to a kid.You can take him/her to visit you in weekends.

In a visit to Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, I witnessed a wonderful act by my mom's saudi friend. The lady invited us to her chalet, where other 30 orphan kids were invited too. They spent the whole day swimming and playing. They all called her Mama. I loved the idea and I wonder if any ladies here do the same.
Another wonderful thing is that those kids were living in a place called " Dar al-Bir", which is a charitable association. I7NA LESH MA 3INDINA CHITHI!
Having a private fostering home will certainly provide much sophisticated environment and better caring.
This goes for nursing homes too.
WE need private nursing homes for the elderies .

As for adoption cases, I know a lady who adopted a boy and made sure she breast feed him so he can be her son and her children's brother so they won't have to cover up when he grows up.
Shopa, exactly my point, the child remains in the orphanage not with his family and you take full charges of taking care of the child in every single way just like a distant parent, it's probably sponsering and it's still a good deed, on the other hand my mom's cousin did adopt a child 3 years ago and now living with them like their own child, that's actual adoption.
Interesting discussion. Personally I think Kuwaitis, myself included, are to engrossed in their own life-style to bother with adoption. I'm not saying they're not charitable people. It's just that adoption is complicated in Kuwait as the comments have shown, which makes adoption here a rather difficult endeavor.

Adopting cats on the other hand, is easier :) my sister adopted one for over a year until that ungrateful feline choose to abandon her.
Why USA ... Go to KSA and you will see how many families has adopted children more than any other countries in the middle east.
I agreed to do muta because my boyfriend couldn't/wouldn't even hold my hand or hug me without doing it, forget anything else.
He said we don't have to do it if I don't want to, and we can still hang out, but once you start to like someone, eventually you want to hold hands and whatnot.
Also, it's not always kept a secret. I met some of my bf's family members. Apparently they're not like super-happy about this, but they still prefer this over their son fornicating.
He met my parents too, but only as my boyfriend, since my family would never understand the concept of muta.
I have to admit, even to me it sounded kind of fishy at first, but eventually it does make sense. Also, if my bf truly believes this is the only way, I'm not going to be the one to change his beliefs, or make him feel guilty.
Exactly!! I've always known your blog as PINK!!! Pink is what you are!! =)
I have a brother from Bosnia
thank you dear

ma 3indina chethee because we're too dependent on the government to do everything for us. And yes, actually i just heard of a wonderful lady who takes out all kids from the orphanage to her chalet and she gives them a big party with all her grandchildren & their friends.. Makes my eyes water just thinking of this. Allah ikather min amthalha. As for breast feeding an adopted child, how often can you adopt while you had just delivered your own? Gasdi ina we can't have milk all year round.

True Faith,
Yep, they had a huge awareness campain a few years back & it paid off.

Do the girls' parents ever know? I'm thinking 'how does this fit into The Rules, you know the book which tells girls to be the least attainable to the guy they like so that HE would always want to please you/love you/ etc. Of course that doesnt work for everyone or to every situation. But please do forgive me if i ask, 'He has guilt free sex with you, but whats in it for you?'

:)) yes i am actually!

That is ULTRA cool and nice. How old is he?
I think it's still possible to play hard-to-get even after doing muta. At least in our case we didn't do it just so we could have sex. We did it because we wanted to function more or less as a couple. (Although I'm beginning to think noone believes that.)
أنا وايد مستغربه...أذا هذي وجهة نظركم شنو اللي يمنع أنكم تتزوجون زواج طبيعي...رسمي؟
When I decide to have kids, I fully intend to adopt..If it;s possible..and adopting in Islam is a good thing..the Prophet had an adopted's just that you don't take away their family name so that everyone knows who is related by blood to blood siblings don't get married to each other..
I Was adopted when i was really small and my parents told me that when i became 21 of course they knew my real mum shes share and cuz that she was a singer she left me and at the time my parents were studying in the US so they took me from her .
Crappy LOL So your biological mum (Cher) is fas3a?
I can't marry my bf for real because we've only known each other a few months. I would need to get to know him better, that's the whole point of this muta.
Besides not knowing each other properly, there's other things like neither of us are done with our studies, and we live on different continents most of the time.
Things like the would-be reaction of our families/societies also have to be taken into account, since he's Kuwaiti and I'm from Europe.
Also, I'm not a Muslim. I don't believe in changing one's realigion for a guy. If I would ever convert it would be for God. A lot of research still has to be done before such a decision can be made.
Any more questions?
Q8sultana, I understand how you don’t want to get married to your BF for real since you know him for a short time, yet you think it is not too soon to have a sexual relation with him not to mention the “muta” marriage!

About converting to Islam and FYI, you do NOT need to be a Muslim to be married to a Muslim man. It is the other way around, a Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man.
But that's exactly what I've been saying for days. We didn't do muta to have sex. We did it so we can do stuff together.
I guess most people only do muta when they are like ready to jump into bed together. We did it so we can walk hand in hand on the beach and snuggle up to watch a movie.
Because without muta he literally would not touch me.
You guys need to get your minds out of the gutter... :p
Q8sultana, I don't understand why he would not hold your hands unless you are married?! With all do respect, I beleive that people who think that way are fooling themselves under what they call Islam.
I think he's just trying to be safe than sorry.
He really seems to believe that this is the only way for us to be together as a couple. After a few weeks of knowing each other, he said he likes me and would like us to be more than just friends, but the only way he can do it is if we do muta. He said if I don't want to then we can stay just friends.
Surely sex is not the only thing that differentiates just friends and more than just friends, and he will only do any of that through muta. That involves even anything as simple as holding my hand, or hugging me.
If this is what he believes is right, I'm not going to make him change his mind. I don't even know enough of the subject to argue with him.
Why is everyone freaking out about this?
Everyone is freaking out because
1. Muta means 'pleasure'.
2. It is SO against what we all are trying to change about respect and equality to women in this society and we're kinda shocked that you are accepting it to yourself. Reminder: HE CAN HAVE INFINITE WIVES.
3. It is an obsolete marriage which was permitted during wars some 1400 years ago and some perverted cleric has decided he wants to have some fun so he brought it back.

Thats all.
Please note we're not attacking you, we're only trying to dissillusion you.

Best Regards,
You asked what the rules of muta were, so I wrote them down as best as I knew them. I mentioned the possibility of infinate numbers of muta wives because even regular marriage allows 4 wives.
But I didn't say that I wouldn't mind if my boyfriend had infinite number of other girlfriends.
Surely he would be dumped right away.
In regular marriage too the idea of more than one wife makes me sick. I'm the monogamous type.

I think if a man is immoral and dishonest in general (aka asshole), he will cheat on a woman anyway, no matter how he's involved with her. If he's that kind, he will have infinate number of affairs even if he's not allowed to.
If a guy is decent, he will behave with integrity in any situation. My boyfriend doesn't have muta with every girl he likes, even though theoretically he could.
I don't think that wanting to do muta immediately implies that the guy is an asshole. I think it implies that the guy would like to avoide doing sins.
Maybe I'm too idealistic.

As far as our relationship is concerned, it is based on respect and equality. It is not at all like a master-sex slave relationship you guys seem to picture it to be.
While we compromise on many things, some things, such as religion for him, are not subject for compromise. From where I come from it's rare to find a guy with compassion towards religion. I don't think that's a bad thing at all.

I think the basis of your frowns is that Sunnis don't even recognise muta as being allowed, and muta in general has a bad reputation.
I really didn't think that there would be such an outcry though.
wow ok now that i'm caught up... i remember when i was in kuwait there was a guy in a yellow firrari.. lol i liked the car so i talked to him, we exchanged numbers... and talked... he wanted to get married 'bil halal bas bil sir...' that got me thinking there's something seriously wrong with this picture... THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE Q8SULTANA!! mm... i would be careful if i was you, especially with 1) (with all due respect..) a kuwaiti guy. 2) your reputation, (if that matters to you, i mean) between his friends and family.. you need to realize the culture differences as well as religous differences between you two... you need to be careful.. there's no telling what his real intentions are no matter how much 'love' there is in the relationship or how 'religous' he (claims to be..) you never know. take it from an arab american, born, raised in the states... be careful don't be nieve when it comes to this. this 'halal' way of getting to know each other is not halal, like you said to sunni's, because this was only allowed BACK IN THE DAY during wars, when men were away from their wives for months if not years at a time, and was stopped thereafter because there is NO NEED for it now. in an islamic society, especially with religous people, there's something called oosool... that means no touching till marriage.. at all. if he was oh so religous he would have done it the old fashioned way, by getting his family to find him a girl and marrying her through an arranged marriage.. there's something wrong with this picture, and i advise you to be careful. arab men think differently than men from western societies.
I think he's twelve. One day mom told come on I'll show you something and she showed me a pic of a handsome young blonde boy and said this is your brother :) I choked, u know that feeling when ur overwhelmed...You want the best for him
Im going to be a billionaire and build orphanages and adoption agencies for the parentless children of the world

My focus now is on my empire - and one day I shall be able to do more good inshallah than any single man can do with his own hands
I have an Entr site/blog. It pretty much covers making large amounts of money on the web.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)
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