Monday, April 11, 2005

Boys & Mothers & Our Future

Little boys love their mothers. Perhaps they have a link that is not understandable and unattainable by his sisters. He looks up to her, and he looks for someone who resembles her. Of course, because of plenty of hormones, he gets involved with girl(s) that may or may not resemble his mother, but she (his first) becomes his surrogate mother. Every experience he has after that is based on that. And every girl/woman after the first has to deal with that ghost of a woman.

So whats the solution? To be the first woman in his life.

Dear Sheba,

Your posts never cease to amaze me. Reading through some of your prior posts.I noticed that you look for this in a guy:
"Intelligent, well-read, open-minded but respects his culture, sensitive, confident, generous, can cook, has a good sperm count, no emotional or commitment issues, & is a gentleman (with cute lips) & we can talk forever."

I must say that is hard to achieve for a first relationship. I think dudes mature with age like good wine. So I wouldn't get all worked up about a dude's prior relationship. Unless of course they are still seeing each other.

I don't think we do alot of comparing to be honest. We kinda like what we see in a girl and go with it. Everybody is different...and its these differences that makes individuals so interesting.

Yours Truly,


P.S You are kinda pushing the envelope with the cooking. Fried eggs should do.
Dear Misguided,

1. The post is about older women dating younger men, in a very discreet manner. If I had to choose between an older man (i.e. older than me by more than 7 yrs, and a younger guy (and he cannot be younger by more than 6 yrs), i would definitely go for the latter. Reasons will come in next post.

2. The guy you described is quiet delicious, any idea where i can find him

you know that's practically impossible.. unless you decided to get down from your high horse and date a bluecollar guard :p eeeh remember him? hathak illi t3ayyarti feeh on Jewaira's boudoir ;p

LOOL messing with you babe :* men are confusing.. every single one of them (even the seemingly sane ones- you never know when they suddenly snap) should come with a manual (with quick refrence and illustrations - yes some of us girls can be THAT stupid elshakwa 3ala Allah) o khalasna 3ad..
Ehhh That Ghost !
chan zain ako delete button
Erase her from the universe !

comparing lovers is the worst thing ever

not true, am the opposite of the person you describe in this post
fix him and set him free..
I wouldn't worry about those ghosts in his brain. They will be there whether he admits it or not.

But I was intrigued to find out how this is related to older women dating spicy younger, men? ;)
Sheba, yibteeha yaib walla.
It's amazing why guys do this.. and this "ghost" starts not only haunting him but also the current woman he's involved with. All sorts of problems arise, e.g jealousy.
Women compare, maybe that's why we find it hard dealing with this "ghost" because in his mind no one can top her.

I am not sure I agree entirely with that argument. For some, this may be the case. But I think in others, it may be a real oversimplification. It implies that in essence, men do not grow beyond a certain stage or can likely achieve no self awareness or greater understanding of the forces which shape him and his character. I would like to think that an "awake" man (or woman) has realized that in life, you move from level to level (vertically, not laterally)- otherwise you stay somewhat stuck at a level, repeating the lesson you were supposed to learn over and over caught in a pattern, perhaps never learning what you have the potential to, and going nowhere with yourself internally or spiritually.
Provoking, ya Sheba :)
In terms of relationships with women, I would hope that this is true only to a certain degree. I don't believe that this statement describes a more "developed" man. Maybe I am talking about pie in the sky here, but a fuller, richer, more real relationship between a man and a woman must EVENTUALLY move beyond just instinct and fulfilling simple human desires and routines.

Sorry If I sound so "imfalsifcheeyah" ;) I am just thinking out loud...
msbaker, wasma, ma fahamt shay!

Anonymous TT, I like your comments. Why dont u register?

Younger guy = maku ghost :)

geo!! What kinda plan is that?? no wonder you have insomnia ;)

Purg, then you're resilient. Btw, its subconscious.
no seriously, no joking, for some reason all the women I know, knew, will know (optimistic), have not been anything like my mother. I do not even look for characteristics related to my mother, but many times to my father. I think I have a stronger bond to him, which is more evident as I grow older.

One example, my mother is short, or average in Kuwaiti standards, now I myself am attracted to woman about my height or a bit above or under, while my brother always has known women about size of my mother. He is closer to her too.

Another example, I like women who think out of the box, so nothing typical, she must have something different or special, esp. since I am not typical either, while my mother can be classified as a typical Kuwaiti women, conservative and 60's generation, so many of you will understand what I mean by that.

I will not of course reveal what I look for in women, or what I do not look for, but what I can say is that I never look for a mother figure.
Sheba - ya3ani *GHALA6* kalamich! ;) GHALAAAA6 ya ibnayyah!! ;) ( sorry, I went off a bit on my last comment, it is a good topic )

Ya3ani I dont agree, I think you are making men out to be simpletons when they are very probably more complex. Or *could* be.
Yes, some are *indeed* looking for their moms. But aren't some girls looking for their dads? Are you saying there aren't any men ( just like women) who know better? That we can all never move beyond our first experiences with the opposite sex?

I believe that a son's view of women is a product of what his mother taught him, yes. Which means, we as women have a huge responsibility to raise sons who respect other women in today's messed up society.

A man who is just looking for someone to fill his moms shoes or to continue where she left off in caring for him is limited and "undeveloped". He is still a boy.

Here is a better question: Are we all just interrupted babies wandering around blindly, unable to move or grow beyond our first experiences with each other?

My opinion? Yes, most are. But I think there is definitely a lot who consciously make an effort *not* to be this way and break the pattern by looking inward at themselves to grow. They don't want to repeat themselves. They want more in their life than just being stuck.

How about that now, Sheba? ;)

Read post again. The theory of the post is that you first look for your mother type, until your first lover then you look for the qualities of this first (refered to as 'surrogate' mother) in other women. Sometimes you look for the girls which DO NOT resemble her, but she has become your benchmark.

Of course this depends on how strongly she affected you.
Ma Baker, trying to follow in my pants ha :P
Msbaker, much better. Now i understand what you mean.

1. You are right, but i find contradiction between paragraph 2 & 6. Seems that you are more hopeful than decided.

However, please refer to my answer to purg, its NOT the mother that men look for, its the surrogate mother (their 1st lover who truely affected them).

Moreover, nothing wrong with being bench marked with a guy's mother, just means he has high expectations, because he looked up to his mother (most of the time).
Nooooo Sheba, your post is specifically referring to the search for the mother in each and every succeeding relationship, continuing the search where it left off from the previous realtionship. Ya3ani its a train.
Uh-uh sheba, it all goes back to the mom in this argument even if the next woman becomes the surrogate. The mom is the origin, the glitch.
Hopeful, yes. It is better to be that way even when you have had a bad experience(s). Otherwise, you just set yourself up to repeat your mistake over and over trying to fix it, or will deny yourself a real opportunity for love should it come along..
Besides, I have seen examples of developmentally stunted men in my life, as well as complex, richly developed(developing!) men. The latter gives me lots of hope and opens my eyes! :)
Ana sij garga, hehe...
Now this post is getting more confusing, so I will step aside and play with my two penguins
I think I did the confusing bit, lol sorry sheba :)
Msbaker, Dodahteeni too!
Khala9, I am leaving! ;) hehe
Me and my big mouth!
tawinas shwarach, ba3ad estekanat chai!

msbaker, i received an e-mail from you a while back but i deleted it bil ghala6 cuz i was checking via mobile & i'm not exactly a techno freak. Can you please resend it, cuz i didn't even get a chance to read it.
Merci :)
Yeah confuse us and run away, typical Ma baker style! last week on my blog now here! you have been warned, you will be chased for the sambosa :P
Sheba - any 7ab shamsee with that chai? ;)

PURG! HAHAHA! Well, I am learning not to put my foot in my mouth around you ok? And Sheba doesn't mind my being confusing on her blog, do you Sheba? She will just tell me so nicely instead of yelling at me! LOL!

No sambusa purg, bas. Brown rice diet FOR ALL! o bas! That is that! ;)
Dear Sheba,

"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

Life, after all, is
really just a series of challenges...

Yours Truly,

Msbaker, of course u can confuse the living day lights out of me & whoever you wish to (Purg awalhum) ;)

misguided, this is supposed to be a fun post!
Ma Baker, you can put your foot in your mouth! amazing, what flexibilty, what agility ;)
I ain't taking the bait Purg! LOL! ;)
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