Plushness

Innocence is not lost forever. Mine was sacrificed at the tender age of four. I regained it in my teenage years, with the love of my family. Now I feel that God must reward me for the years I lost. I feel the reward must be big to make up for the pain. Perhaps I am not grateful to all that He has given me.

I’m fighting life to maintain the sparkle in my eye, which we are born with-- the innocence, the happiness.

It feels like a belated identity crisis, but its not. I see my pictures and here it is: 1 eye has it, the other eye sad. In an older picture, 1 eye hurt and the other hopeful. In a recent picture, both eyes hopeful but both damaged.

I am losing me in this battle to save myself. I do not accept me as a broken soul.

25th December - 1st January

I hate this time of year because i miss all the wrong people. I have urges to call and say 'hey how are, I missed you' inspite of everything.

Am i the only one who goes through HSS (Holiday Sentiments Syndrome)?

How do people click? Sometimes, you meet a stranger and instantly you click, even if you cannot speak the same language-- and sometimes, you cannot click with a brother or a sister or a parent.

Whats a click about? How does it happen?

I wrote and rewrote this post many times, I even debated whether I would be able to write a just entry to the Greatest Woman in the World. Of course nothing would do her justice for she is larger than my humble vocabulary, larger than than the English vocabulary. But I will try, because it is from this proud woman that I have become.

My first memory of her is in her house in Nuzha, she would lay down in the afternoon listening to the radio and telling me stories of Suroor, Swairah, Zumbuborabab (Kuwaiti fairy tales). I would only listen to these stories from Grandma, because she told them best, it was as if she was there-- and she never tired to tell them for the whole summer that I would spend with her. God rest her beautiful soul.

My last living memory of her is last Tuesday, the night before I went to my meeting in London. Her face was pale, but looking better than the previous day. She was in hospital only to be fed because she refused to eat. She asked me to take her out of the hospital, but she settled for a walk around her floor. We sat by the delivery room observing, somewhat amused, the husbands and families of the women in labour. She loved life, she loved all the good things in life, and was not accepting that she can no longer be the woman who does it all. The woman who would supervise her house as she did, the woman who would do her own grocery shopping, who would visit at least one of her children and one of her sisters everyday. The woman who was looked up to for courage and strength, the woman who loved her chalet trips, who loved her Wednesday outings with her younger grandchildren to restaurants and malls.

I came back from the airport, not believing what I had heard. I knew she had given up, she was not interested in life with a pipe in her nose and feeding through her veins, but we thought she may stay for a few years longer, that she is strong enough to recover from her illness. But then I remembered my grandfather, her husband. He gave up once they told him he must have a nurse to accompany him and a driver to drive him to his local coffee shop. Yes, they would be together now after leaving us with a lot-- a lot to live up to.

OMG OMG HUGE realization!

We're just as bad as men. I just booked a train 2 countries away from my original destination so i can avoid a certain someone who i might hurt if i stay because it seems that he may become too attached and he's not who or what i want. Bitch? Not! It may seem so from a narrow point of view, but the fact is why hurt a nice guy?

Which makes me think even further. Is there something he did wrong? No, its just his personality type, so he cant say or do anything that will make me see him as potential mate.

SO, this brings me to ANOTHER realisation, if he's not into you, its not because of the way you dressed when he saw you last, or what you said, or what you did or didn't do.. so don't try harder, it is guaranteed to backfire. And as my gorgeous/hunky/playboy cousin of mine once advised me 'not all girls/guys have to like you'.

ok i hope this was as useful of a realization to you as it was to me.

Bon Jour :)

Must learn to be more patient.

Travelling tomorrow again and cannot decide whether i want to spend my spare time thinking or in Pangea.

I consider myself lucky, inspite of all my complaining.

A dear friend asked me yesterday if we're intitled to feel envy when (an ex) gets married.

Best & easiest self tanning spray is at LANCASTER. Then spray a bit of Clarins' after sun shimmer.

Must learn to be more patient.

georhythm... says:
u're giving him too much attention

sheba says:
if i remain silent it would mean that he's allowed to pass judgement. its a lot bigger than it is, its about the tired 'hollier than thou' trump card that all the islamists are throwing in our faces. We (moderate Kuwaities) are becoming extinct because we're weak

georhythm... says:
bas u're right

sheba says:
we do not stand up for what we believe

georhythm... says:
u shouldn't keep quiet

sheba says:
u know what, i will copy paste this conversation into a post

1. Find good hotel for new years holiday.

2. Get to the gym.

3. Try to make hair 1 shade instead of 2.

4. Buy sexy but elegant shoes.

5. Buy new pair of 'skinny' jeans (suggestions welcomed).

6. Inform boss IN WRITING that i'm taking a few days off. Get him to sign.

I'm holding on, but do not know what I am holding on to, for fear of opening my eyes to find that I have nothing in it.

I’ve managed to get dumped 3 times this week. Twice by the same person, only because he had weapons of mass destruction which he skilfully used. The first weapon was 'history' and the second i cannot mention here (respecting his privacy).

The Weapon of Mass Destruction used by second 'person' (restraining myself from using colorful adjectives), was friendship! Yes, i never new that can be used in any malicious way but thank you friend for showing me that it can (be used).

At one point i thought these things happen to me because 'what goes around comes around'. So i spent considerable time and effort on an internal audit of whom i have hurt. It turned out to be one very nice 'person' (again) who fell in love with me but in him i had no real interest for many valid reasons which i couldn't share with him, so i ended up telling him that i was 'spoken for'.

By chance, i bumped into him a short while back, and we had a quick update on our lives since the year that we last spoke. Turns out he had gotten married after a 2 year love story (so thank God he had gotten over me), but his marriage lasted 2 months. I gave him a brief update of my life and asked him if he 'harbours any hard feelings towards me because i have been wondering if i ill-treated him, and i fear that what goes around comes around'. To my surprise, he said 'i've felt the same way, do I have your forgiveness?'

So that being out of the way, I have nothing else to blame my dysfunctional love life on, except fate of course-- and as disillusioned as i should be, i still believe in all 4 letter words!

I'm bogged down with loadsawork today & i'm actually doing it, not because i'm inspired to, but I need to do something! But first i want to write a tribute to my my friends, my angels, and a small thank you to God.

Thank you God for giving me the most beautiful, loveing, caring, supportive friends ever. Thank you also for the gifts you have given me-- all my Ex's who i've learnt from, all of them were gentlemen, but thank you mostly for you know who, it is through him that i learnt what unconditional love is. I must have done something very good in this life time for this reward! Thank you my angels for seeing me through my good and bad times, i feel you are there for me when i'm in danger. I've felt you since i was a child.

Thank you friends for allowing me to bounce back whenever i need to, and i know its been quiet often that i needed that. I love you for your understanding, your patience, your support, your forgiveness, your acceptance, and your respect.

And finally, my family who can never be more supportive and more loving, i hope i can be there for you as you have been for me.

Love you all.

(& for you pessimists, no i'm not dieing nor am i PMSing, just expressing my appreciation)

Its getting more and more difficult writing here, for many reasons but mainly its because the events or people i want to express my grief about are part of this community, even if from a distance.

My consolation is a blogger, very far away from here going through very similar angst and situations. She is Breakup Babe breakupbabe.blogspot.com, a young intelligent, passionate woman very much worth more than just your tea break browsing.

This is what i wrote her as one of my comments & i've decided that it will do for my entry today:

'Its scary what rituals we (single yet hopeful girls) arrive at simultaneously in faith of a relationship to work, to not jinks it, to keep it.

I make a resolution to not speak of a possible love or a heart break every time, but i also break it every time. I know that if its right its right and nothing would change that, but i cannot help blaming luck or the stars or even PMS for my too many heart aches. And you know what, they don't get easier, but i have to admit i find new tricks of making the pain go away faster.'

I wish i can link her post to this so that you can read her post, but i will copy what i was commenting on & i hope she doesn't mind, its from her entry of October 15th http://breakupbabe.blogspot.com/2004_10_01_breakupbabe_archive.html:

'There is a love interest lurking behind the scenes, but I can’t even write about him, for fear that if I do, he will instantly disappear. So that’s what I will do now too, since I can’t seem to come up with a single clever thing to say.'

I urge everyone to read BBs blog, she has been signed on to write a book!